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	In This Issue

I am so pleased to welcome you to my first E-Zine!

Many of you don’t know me yet, so let me introduce myself: I’m Claudia Contessini, Ph.D. I’m a lesbian relationship therapist, life coach and clinical and research sexologist living in Australia. I have been involved in making the world a better place for lesbians since 1969, when another woman and I established the first publicly lesbian organization in Australia. - a branch of the US lesbian organization Daughters of Bilitis. I was the contact person for the group.

In that context I spoke with literally thousands of lesbians who wanted to join us. Most were absolutely terrified – it was really all they could do to stay on the phone when they called. Many had experienced dreadful psychiatric interventions, and homophobia in its various forms had pretty much destroyed their lives. This experience – at the age of nineteen - shaped my life. I’ve been putting my energy into changing things for us since then.

I’m trying to reach every lesbian on Earth……

My most recent project is the survey research you’ve probably participated in. So firstly Thank You! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your wisdom, your ideas and your experience. I have felt honored, and often very moved as I’ve read your contributions. I look forward to sharing the results of the study with you in various ways. I’m expanding the Institute website and cooking some very interesting ideas……..So stay tuned!

	Survey Results - Lesbian Bed Death

The study is still underway, and it’s “bad science” to talk about the precise purpose of a research study, or to make results public, before all responses are in. However, I do want to share with you some thoughts about one of our major concerns as lesbians.

Our Major Concern

Some 80% of survey respondents who’ve either been in, or are currently in a committed relationship are very concerned about so-called Lesbian Bed Death. Indeed, the only thing we’re more concerned about right now is our civil rights.

It has become fashionable in some of our communities to say that there is no such thing as Lesbian Bed Death. The argument goes:

This is absolutely correct. Lesbian Bed Death is indeed just one more homophobic concept designed to have us fear that our relationships are intrinsically flawed; inferior to the heterosexual “norm.

But we lesbians want it all!

We lesbians have very high standards in our relationships. Most of us want it all – intimacy, connection, sensual holding and touching and full-on passionate lovemaking. And we want it to last – for the whole of our lives together. And often it does not.

I believe however, after working with lesbians for around thirty years, that we can create these sexual relationships - relationships that get better and better as our love and commitment to our partner grows. Sexual relationships that truly fulfill the potential most of us can feel in our loving connection with our partner. Almost all of us can do this – if we are prepared to put in the time and energy.

The creation of these relationships is a major focus of my current writing. I’ve summarized a section of my work for you, and it’s available here: http://www.lesbianresearch.com/email/articles/lesbianbeddeath.asp Please take a look if you’d like to read more.

	Prizes

I had a very humorous interchange about prizes with a woman in the United States a couple of weeks back. She emailed that she thought it was ‘tacky’ to award prizes. I emailed back saying that I felt a bit embarrassed about it myself, but that I like the idea of giving something back to participants. And also that more than two thirds of participants do sign up in the prize section. She then mailed back saying, well, yes, in fact she had signed up for a prize herself! It’s great to be able to thank at least some of you for your generosity:

This Month’s Prizewinners

Kate, 59 years, in Pennsylvania, USA.
Marcela, 31 years, San Jose, Costa Rica
Heather Mary, 45 years, Manitoba, Canada
Laurie, 54 years, California, USA
Laura, 21 years, England
Susan, 61, Texas, USA
Joyce, 54, California, USA
Anna, in Kyrgyzstan
Donna, 49, Canada
Mary-Lou, 50, Nunavut, Canada
Maureen, 39, Manitoba, Canada

Could each of you email me at claudia@lesbianresearch.com and confirm the password you gave? (I asked for your mother’s maiden name). I’ll then arrange for you to receive a copy of one of my books when they’re ready (it’ll be a couple of months yet).

The prize for the person who spread the word about the survey the farthest will be announced when it’s finished. It will be a few months yet. We haven’t yet reached every lesbian on Earth….

More prizes next month!

	Research Update

So far lesbians and bisexual women in about 40 countries have participated in the survey. The majority are from Canada, USA, UK, Australia and New Zealand. It would be really helpful if you know of any English-language email lists for lesbians or have any other contacts you could share anywhere, but particularly in the following countries: All of Asia, Eastern Europe, Central and South America, the Middle East, Africa and the island communities around the world. You could email them to me at: claudia@lesbianresearch.com

	Notices

	Next Month - Don't Be A Victim

The current “debate” about our civil rights has produced blatant homophobia in the media at a level many of us have never experienced before. As one woman who’s been out and proud for thirty-five years said on her survey form, “Very simply, it hurts”.

Indeed, it does. And even worse, if we hear something negative often enough, it can damage us. Many of us are finding that we need to fight stirrings of internalized homophobia that we may not have experienced for a long time. Those of us who are currently struggling with our sexuality may feel even more vulnerable.

And it seems that the media hype has “given permission” to bullies and would-be exploiters. In many places we are harassed more often as our ‘invisibility’ diminishes, and we fight for our rights.

So what do you do when you’re jeered at by a homophobic bully, or asked an intrusive question by a too-curious male? If you come right back with a great response you feel strong and in control – as a lesbian, and as a human being. But if just the right phrase was not quite there on the tip of your tongue, or your rage or fear got in the way of your thinking, the intruder probably managed to ruin your day.

So let’s help each other with this. If you have a great way to diffuse the situation with that bully, or to turn the tables on a potential exploiter, let us know. What should we say when someone asks “How do two girls do it?”, or tells us that all we need is a good man, or yells something abusive from behind?

Let’s brush up our skills, and beat those homophobes and our own internalized homophobia with one snappy retort!

An anonymous contributor from Canada suggested this topic. Excellent idea, thank you!

So, email me with your suggested responses! What has worked for you? There’s a prize for the best one. I’ll put them together for the next E-Zine.

And please, indicate whether you’d like acknowledgement if you’re quoted. If yes, put, for example, “Janie, 54, Hawaii, USA” for me to copy. If you don’t do that I’ll assume you wish to be incognito!

	Finally...

I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the surveys. Maria, a 25 year old woman from Sweden, said that the thing she most likes about being a lesbian is “……being forced to live your life bravely”. Don’t you think that’s great?

Warmest good wishes - until next month,

Claudia

PS. Please note that recipients of this E-Zine receive the E-Zine ONLY. There are no other mailings.

Please pass on this E-Zine to anyone you think would benefit from it - your lesbian friends, colleagues and acquaintances, your therapist or coach – anyone at all!

If you would like to unsubscribe from the E-Zine – I’m sorry to see you go – but all you need do is click on this link: http://www.lesbianresearch.com/a/signup.asp. And follow the instructions.
If you change your mind anytime, just go back to www.LesbianResearch.com and sign up again!

Copyright, Claudia Contessini, 2004

 

Here is the legal stuff I’m required to tell you because we live in a world with lawyers. “Online Institute eZine” is not intended to replace medical care or treatment from your mental health professional. I assume no responsibility for the actions you take as a result of reading this eZine